your parents love me but you hate me
grandma shit on top of the toilet
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
