I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
