He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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