We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
