Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
