ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
