Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
