What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist