I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
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I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
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I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.