I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.