He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
