You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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