Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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