I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
