my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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