I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
