dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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