Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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