remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
