that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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