I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
