He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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