she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
