Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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