Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
