Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
