the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
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