She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
