Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
