I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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