I accidentally had phone sex last night
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
