Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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