I'm eating all of the evidence.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
