woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
