my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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