Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
