I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
