i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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