he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
