Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
