I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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