Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
