there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
i believe in u and ur pee
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