my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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