Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
