I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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