I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
