you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
