How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
