I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
