My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
