Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
