rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
