if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
And then he peed in my hair
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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