does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
