Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I look better un-naked...
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.