I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?