So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
