I'm so fucking centered right now
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
