Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
