i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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