I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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