I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
