Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I can't turn off my feet"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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