i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
