im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
