Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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