The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
