I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
